I know I’m crazy, moody, sensitive, and jealous. I’m over-aggressive, dramatic, rude, unladylike, and secretive. I withdraw from people whenever I feel slight disapproval or awkwardness. I feel safer being alone, and I run away from anything remotely good or bad. I hate when people lie to me. I hate when people don’t listen to what I have to say. And I hate when people don’t take me seriously. I can’t stand feeling like I’m missing out. And when things don’t go the way I want them to, I act like a bitch. I’m mean, inconsiderate, and demanding. I want things I have no right to even have. I’m a slob, I’m lazy, I’m insecure and I let that get to me. Other people’s opinions matter to me. I look in the mirror and wish I could see something else. I think about traveling to the past to make better choices if it were possible. I regret how my life is turning out. And I need someone to see all of this, and accept that. I accept it. I embrace it. I’m scared, I’m scared of so many things. But I want someone to fight for me, and want to be with me knowing every little scar and all the ugly details of my past and my present, and still want to have a future. I want someone to listen to my stories, hear what I have to say, to be completely honest with. Uehdbhefafjef. I want to meet my soul mate already.
I do not like being weighed down by anyone or by anything. It is not an emotionally safe place for me to be. I wish I could be free like a bird. As a kid, I was a free spirit, a truly happy soul. And I can’t help but feel like all of that joy and contentment has been sucked out of my life one way or another.
Also, I hate the idea of putting all my happiness into one basket. I feel like I can’t depend on anyone. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, no, not a bad thing at all. In the end, you are the only person you will have left.
But the problem is, I don’t think I’ve even got myself. If I’m abandoned and all on my own, which has happened many times, I won’t even be strong enough to pick myself up. And yes, it scares me. Being alone scares me.