Then I wouldn’t give a fuck about people so much. Honestly I know myself and I know people mean more to me than anything. I always put other people before myself. This is going to sound conceited and all but I’m probably one of the most selfless people I know. So tired of not being cared about.
Somehow I knew it was you, I knew because they kept saying tattoos, tattoos, and I knew because I knew your name was Michelle. But I never expected it’d actually be you. I didn’t want to assume anything. Yeah, it’s true, I didn’t know you personally, but I did know who you were. And now I feel like crying just because death really can happen to anyone. I’m sorry your life had to get cut short. I’m sorry you had to be found in such a horrible way. But may you rest in paradise now, and your family goes in my prayers. I didn’t know you but you seemed a tough girl who liked to joke, and maybe you were just trying to find your place in this world in the wrong place at the wrong time. You’re gone but you’re forever loved by people at Lincoln who all miss you. You didn’t deserve to die at such a young age. RIP.
You are such a hypocrite. And that’s what gets me so extremely mad. You want to know why I get so furious at you and why I say I hate you? Because you’re so unreasonable, you blow things out of proportion, and you say things to me as if I don’t have any feelings. It fucking hurts okay?!
I understand you get frustrated with me. But you don’t need to take out all your anger on me. It’s the truth and everyone knows it, whenever you’re in a bad mood you yell at everyone and take it all out on everyone. You of all people should know that it takes people different amount of times to learn something. Just because I couldn’t do something “simple” in your eyes right the first time, doesn’t mean you have the right to call me “fucking stupid.” Maybe it’s harder for me to learn, just like the way some students know right away their multiplication tables and others take years to learn it. I’m sorry I don’t accommodate your wishes, but I’m trying my hardest and yet you choose to ignore that. Instead, you choose to call me ignorant, and lazy, and ungrateful. You don’t know what’s going on through my head so please stop assuming you do. And as for lazy? We’re all lazy, even you are, so don’t act like you’re not because everyone always has something they don’t want to do. It’s not like I see you jumping for joy to do your chores, either. And you procrastinate just as much as I do. It doesn’t matter how fast or slow I get things done, it’s the fact that you also do it so I don’t see why you have to complain.
And as for my “attitude problem”? Do you really think that after you call me “fucking stupid” that I’m just going to be okay with it? I’m just going to take your abuse as if it doesn’t fucking hurt that you call me things like that? No one has ever made me feel as bad as you do, you’re worse than all the other school bullies and teasers. Of course I’m going to be mad, of course I’m going to roll my eyes and stomp my feet. Just because you raised me doesn’t me you get to put me down, I’m not going to sit there and take that bullshit. I have an attitude problem because of the things you say to me. And when you point it out you’re only fighting fire with fire. I get fed up with the nonsense that comes out of your mouth, I refuse to listen, and I don’t care. You are the one who boils up this anger inside me, otherwise I’d be perfectly fine. I should be used to it, but I’m not, my resistance shield isn’t 100% secure, and I’m not going to hold it all in. The only reason for my attitude problem is you.
And don’t you know? Don’t you know how much it hurts me? Don’t you know how many times I’ve cried just because I felt like I was bringing my family down? Don’t you know how many times I’ve cut myself just to take out my anger and frustration? Don’t you know how many times I’ve vented to a friend about how much I can’t stand the way you treat me? Don’t you ever hear me in my bedroom late at night wishing I could just live with my parents? Don’t you know how many times I’ve thought of taking my own life just so I wouldn’t have to deal? Don’t you know how many times I’ve shoved food down my throat just so I didn’t have to feel alone? Don’t you know how many times I’ve wanted to run away, change my name so I’d never have to be with you? How many times I’ve considered seeking therapy, or a counselor, or even a social worker because I feel like you’re verbally abusing me? Don’t you know that everything you’ve ever said to me makes me feel like the monster you think I am? It hurts more than I can even put into words.
My eyes sting because of all the crying I’ve ever done. All the words I wish I had the courage to say to you. All the teeth grinding and lip biting just to hold back the anger I felt.
And you know? You’re like this because you have some messed-up belief that this is just the way it is. Asians were all raised like this so of course I must be raised this way too. And that’s because you were probably treated just like me when you were a kid. You and your whole brainwashed family with your authority and bringing people down are the reason there are so many family problems in this world.
This cycle ends right now. I’m not letting you bring me down that road. I’m going to fight and keep fighting and never give up and never let you get to me. And it hurts so so bad but I’m going to keep going because I want nothing more than to prove you wrong. And the day I do don’t expect me to love you or anything. I’m sorry I can’t be your perfect niece, but it’s not like you’re the perfect aunt.
“After awhile, you learn that you don’t need anyone else to survive. No one is ever going to always be there no matter what they promise you. You just gotta suck it up and accept it.”—Hey Arnold (via raindropsonredroses)